1
00:00:02,600 --> 00:00:05,160
Family fun meeting
by the front door, stat!

2
00:00:06,480 --> 00:00:09,393
- "Stat" means right now!
- [ Groans ] What is it?

3
00:00:09,480 --> 00:00:12,678
Ignore her. She's been in a bad mood
all day, and Luke isn't home yet.

4
00:00:12,760 --> 00:00:15,559
- I'm right here.
- Where were you?

5
00:00:15,640 --> 00:00:17,313
This house still holds
its secrets.

6
00:00:17,400 --> 00:00:19,710
You're probably wondering
why I called you all here.

7
00:00:19,800 --> 00:00:21,712
- Nope.
- Well, stop your wondering-

8
00:00:21,800 --> 00:00:24,679
- We're not wondering.
...and behold this wonder!

9
00:00:24,760 --> 00:00:26,274
[ Haley ] Oh, my God!
[ Claire ] Wow.

10
00:00:26,360 --> 00:00:27,874
[ Phil Laughs ] [
Haley ] Seriously?

11
00:00:27,960 --> 00:00:30,191
I sold a home to the one
and only Pete Johnson.

12
00:00:30,280 --> 00:00:31,760
There's only one Pete Johnson?

13
00:00:31,840 --> 00:00:34,674
Only one who's
California's top R.V. dealer.

14
00:00:34,760 --> 00:00:37,753
There's 835 others.
Nightmare of a deal to paper.

15
00:00:37,840 --> 00:00:39,479
[ Claire ] Well, and this
was his way of saying-

16
00:00:39,600 --> 00:00:41,034
- Thank you.
- Of course.

17
00:00:41,120 --> 00:00:42,634
He paid a commission
too, right?

18
00:00:42,720 --> 00:00:45,360
Yes. And he told me
I could take Jolene out anytime.

19
00:00:45,480 --> 00:00:46,914
Yeah, I named her.

20
00:00:47,000 --> 00:00:49,435
Let's take this dirty girl
for a spin up the coast.

21
00:00:49,520 --> 00:00:50,720
[ Alex Laughs ] [ Haley ] Yes!

22
00:00:50,800 --> 00:00:52,359
[ Luke ] Awesome!
Pretty sweet, huh?

23
00:00:52,480 --> 00:00:53,960
[ Alex ] Yeah! Huh.

24
00:00:54,040 --> 00:00:55,759
Oh, I can see where
this is going.

25
00:00:55,840 --> 00:00:58,674
This summer,
you, me, the kids-

26
00:00:58,800 --> 00:01:00,757
Yellowstone National Park.
Mmm.

27
00:01:00,840 --> 00:01:03,480
And that's just a Verona.
He offered me an Amalfi.

28
00:01:03,560 --> 00:01:05,074
An Amalfi, Claire.

29
00:01:05,160 --> 00:01:07,277
That makes the Umbria
look like a Portofino.

30
00:01:07,360 --> 00:01:08,874
Well, they should've
called it the Roman,

31
00:01:08,960 --> 00:01:11,191
'cause that's what
we're about to be doin'.

32
00:01:11,280 --> 00:01:13,636
I'm really not following you.

33
00:01:13,760 --> 00:01:15,353
Ten days on the road
with those kids?

34
00:01:15,440 --> 00:01:16,954
Winnebag-no.

35
00:01:17,040 --> 00:01:19,760
I hate it when Phil does this,
and I have to be the bad guy...

36
00:01:19,840 --> 00:01:22,480
who comes in and squelches
his brilliant idea.

37
00:01:22,600 --> 00:01:24,910
I said no.
Get it out of my house.

38
00:01:25,000 --> 00:01:26,593
Fine.

39
00:01:26,680 --> 00:01:28,160
Come on, Jolene.

40
00:01:29,600 --> 00:01:32,752
Fortunately, this time,
I don't have to be the wet blanket,

41
00:01:32,840 --> 00:01:35,275
because even on just
a short spin up the coast,

42
00:01:35,360 --> 00:01:38,080
Phil will see what I see
every day-

43
00:01:38,200 --> 00:01:39,634
the transformation
that happens...

44
00:01:39,720 --> 00:01:42,235
when our kids are locked
in a moving metal box.

45
00:01:42,320 --> 00:01:45,597
The kraken that is unleashed.

46
00:01:45,680 --> 00:01:47,353
I love my kids very, very much.

47
00:01:48,320 --> 00:01:49,068
♪ Hey, hey ♪

48
00:01:56,400 --> 00:01:57,720
♪ Hey♪ ♪

49
00:02:00,160 --> 00:02:01,992
You're poking me. Yeah,
well, I know, sweetie,

50
00:02:02,080 --> 00:02:03,681
but if I don't get
these pins just right,

51
00:02:03,720 --> 00:02:06,481
your bun could fall out during your
routine, and it could mess you up.

52
00:02:06,560 --> 00:02:09,632
Okay, let's test it out.
All right.

53
00:02:09,720 --> 00:02:12,679
Jump. Good. Spin.

54
00:02:12,760 --> 00:02:15,753
Now give me Beyoncé.
[ Hums ]

55
00:02:15,840 --> 00:02:17,957
Okay, I've done everything
I can do. It's up to you now.

56
00:02:18,040 --> 00:02:19,554
We have a gymnast
in our family.

57
00:02:19,640 --> 00:02:21,154
Yeah, Lily goes
to gymnastics class.

58
00:02:21,240 --> 00:02:22,993
In one short year,
I've seen her blossom...

59
00:02:23,120 --> 00:02:25,430
from a little girl who
couldn't do a somersault-

60
00:02:25,520 --> 00:02:27,512
Into one who...
kind of can.

61
00:02:27,600 --> 00:02:29,592
Yeah, and by that standard,
we also have a black belt,

62
00:02:29,680 --> 00:02:32,149
art prodigy and prima ballerina
in our family.

63
00:02:32,240 --> 00:02:34,914
You know what we don't have in our family
is two loving, supportive fathers.

64
00:02:35,000 --> 00:02:36,440
I'm just saying she's five,
you know?

65
00:02:36,560 --> 00:02:38,597
And you never let her forget it.
[ Sighs ]

66
00:02:38,760 --> 00:02:41,400
Excuse me. Is that your
little girl out there? It is.

67
00:02:41,480 --> 00:02:43,278
- And you did her hair?
- I did.

68
00:02:43,360 --> 00:02:46,034
Do you mind helping my Julie
with hers?

69
00:02:46,120 --> 00:02:47,998
Oh. Oh, do you guys own
a convertible?

70
00:02:48,120 --> 00:02:49,998
No.
Oh, no judgment.

71
00:02:50,080 --> 00:02:53,073
Yeah, I'll get to work
right when Lily's done.

72
00:02:58,800 --> 00:03:01,269
Not bad. That little leap
at the end-that's new.

73
00:03:01,360 --> 00:03:03,272
Wow. She's getting
really good.

74
00:03:03,360 --> 00:03:05,238
[ Softly ] You better bring
your "A" game.

75
00:03:05,320 --> 00:03:08,996
Oh, my God. Cam, look.
Lily's in second place-9.2.

76
00:03:09,080 --> 00:03:11,549
I told you she's a gymnast. With scores
like that, she's gonna make pre-team.

77
00:03:11,680 --> 00:03:12,955
Are you serious?
Mm-hmm.

78
00:03:13,040 --> 00:03:15,077
Pre-team? She could make pre-
What's pre-team?

79
00:03:16,680 --> 00:03:18,160
Claire!

80
00:03:18,240 --> 00:03:19,560
Phil!

81
00:03:19,640 --> 00:03:20,869
Haley!

82
00:03:20,960 --> 00:03:22,235
Luke!

83
00:03:22,320 --> 00:03:23,800
Alex!

84
00:03:23,880 --> 00:03:25,519
Gloria, we've been through
the roster three times.

85
00:03:25,640 --> 00:03:27,199
They're not home.

86
00:03:27,280 --> 00:03:28,919
But their cars are here.
Where could they be?

87
00:03:29,000 --> 00:03:30,514
Who knows what these people do?

88
00:03:30,600 --> 00:03:32,000
Well, my backpack
is in there, Jay.

89
00:03:32,120 --> 00:03:33,681
My poem for my poetry reading.
Calm down.

90
00:03:33,720 --> 00:03:35,279
Didn't you back it up
on your computer?

91
00:03:35,400 --> 00:03:37,232
What kind of man writes
poetry on a computer?

92
00:03:37,360 --> 00:03:39,556
You could've ended that sentence
after "poetry."

93
00:03:39,640 --> 00:03:41,438
[ Door Opens ]

94
00:03:41,520 --> 00:03:44,831
Come in. And no questions.

95
00:03:46,520 --> 00:03:49,000
[ Footsteps Descending ] [ Manny
] My backpack wasn't upstairs.

96
00:03:49,080 --> 00:03:51,993
What's that? Postcard from a
friend of Claire's-Rachel.

97
00:03:52,080 --> 00:03:54,914
"Living it up
in Club Med Cozumel."

98
00:03:55,000 --> 00:03:57,037
Looks like that marriage
went down the drain.

99
00:03:57,120 --> 00:03:58,554
In other shocking news,

100
00:03:58,640 --> 00:04:01,280
Phil subscribes
to a trampoline magazine.

101
00:04:01,360 --> 00:04:04,558
Going through other people's mail.
Keeping it classy, Jay.

102
00:04:04,680 --> 00:04:06,592
Mom, my backpack
isn't in Luke's room.

103
00:04:06,680 --> 00:04:08,797
[ Singsongy ] I don't
see it in here, either.

104
00:04:08,880 --> 00:04:10,360
I don't think it would fit
in there.

105
00:04:10,440 --> 00:04:12,830
Ay, this was open
when I came in.

106
00:04:12,920 --> 00:04:15,071
I was just looking
for an aspirin.

107
00:04:15,160 --> 00:04:17,152
I thought that I heard
some noises.

108
00:04:17,280 --> 00:04:19,590
So you were snooping. Oh,
so now it's snooping-

109
00:04:19,680 --> 00:04:21,558
wanting to know more
about your family...

110
00:04:21,640 --> 00:04:23,711
by looking through
their personal things?

111
00:04:23,800 --> 00:04:26,440
Not just now.
Since the invention of things.

112
00:04:26,520 --> 00:04:28,239
Is that
one of Claire's brownies?

113
00:04:28,320 --> 00:04:29,913
No. They're delicious.
Must be Cam's.

114
00:04:30,080 --> 00:04:32,037
Oh, no. Don't worry.
There's more.

115
00:04:32,120 --> 00:04:34,555
No! That's where
my backpack is.

116
00:04:34,640 --> 00:04:37,951
Cam drove me and Luke home.
I must've left it in his car.

117
00:04:38,040 --> 00:04:39,520
Why are you
so scattered lately?

118
00:04:39,600 --> 00:04:43,435
Aw, he's just nervous
because of his poetry reading tonight.

119
00:04:43,520 --> 00:04:45,034
But don't worry, papi.

120
00:04:45,120 --> 00:04:47,919
I am going to be there
to support you.

121
00:04:48,000 --> 00:04:49,798
I don't want my mom there.

122
00:04:49,880 --> 00:04:53,112
I'm exploring some darker themes
I'm not sure she's ready for.

123
00:04:53,200 --> 00:04:55,920
Poems like
"The Umbilical Noose,"

124
00:04:56,000 --> 00:04:57,480
"A Jail Called Mom,"

125
00:04:57,560 --> 00:04:59,438
"Smother Nature."

126
00:04:59,520 --> 00:05:02,160
She'll just find some way
to make it all about her.

127
00:05:02,280 --> 00:05:03,760
[ Seagull Squawking ]

128
00:05:03,840 --> 00:05:07,470
And a toasty 75 degrees
for daughter Haley.

129
00:05:07,560 --> 00:05:09,040
♪ ♪ [ Speakers:
"Clair de lune "]

130
00:05:09,160 --> 00:05:12,517
You see, the Verona boasts
individualized climate zones, Claire.

131
00:05:12,600 --> 00:05:16,276
- Mmm. - I could literally transport
a polar bear and an orchid...

132
00:05:16,400 --> 00:05:18,915
and not make two trips.
[ Claire ] Mmm!

133
00:05:19,000 --> 00:05:21,560
Dad, I'm freezing.
It's like one degree back here.

134
00:05:22,840 --> 00:05:26,117
Six minutes in and it begins.

135
00:05:26,200 --> 00:05:27,919
Here. Take the blanket
from the bed.

136
00:05:28,000 --> 00:05:31,118
- Thanks, kitten.
- Dad, can you change the music?

137
00:05:31,200 --> 00:05:33,271
- Can I?
- ♪♪ [Mozart: Piano Concerto No. 21]

138
00:05:33,360 --> 00:05:35,040
Oh, no. Oh, no,
that's just getting louder.

139
00:05:35,120 --> 00:05:37,680
This isn't good.
It's not good at all.

140
00:05:37,760 --> 00:05:39,194
[ Alex ] Actually,
it's kind of perfect.

141
00:05:39,280 --> 00:05:42,432
Right? The big windows,
the classical music.

142
00:05:42,520 --> 00:05:44,273
It's like we're in a movie.

143
00:05:44,400 --> 00:05:46,676
Turn it up, handsome.
You got it.

144
00:05:46,760 --> 00:05:50,197
♪ ♪ [ Volume increases ]

145
00:05:50,280 --> 00:05:53,432
Obviously, the novelty of the situation
was delaying the inevitable.

146
00:05:53,520 --> 00:05:56,035
But I didn't want to get halfway
into a trip to Yellowstone...

147
00:05:56,120 --> 00:05:59,955
before Phil discovered what malevolent
hell spawn we have for children-

148
00:06:00,040 --> 00:06:02,077
whom I love very much.

149
00:06:02,160 --> 00:06:03,879
♪ ♪ [ Continues ]

150
00:06:03,960 --> 00:06:05,633
Alex, honey,
that's a cute sweater.

151
00:06:05,760 --> 00:06:08,200
- Doesn't Haley have one like that?
- Oh, it actually is hers.

152
00:06:08,240 --> 00:06:09,879
I took it from her closet
before we left. Really?

153
00:06:09,960 --> 00:06:12,794
Oh. Sorry, girls. Didn't
mean to start a whole thing.

154
00:06:12,880 --> 00:06:17,033
I am so sick of you always
looking better in my clothes.

155
00:06:17,120 --> 00:06:19,760
- When did that happen?
- You're okay with this?

156
00:06:19,840 --> 00:06:22,800
Oh, yeah. She can wear whatever she
wants after I've had it for six months.

157
00:06:22,840 --> 00:06:24,354
- Oh.
- Or I get it automatically...

158
00:06:24,440 --> 00:06:25,874
if you buy anything
that looks like it.

159
00:06:25,960 --> 00:06:28,714
This just feels right.
Huh, team?

160
00:06:28,800 --> 00:06:30,792
Matter of fact,
I was thinking...

161
00:06:30,880 --> 00:06:33,076
we could all drive up
to Yellowstone this summer,

162
00:06:33,160 --> 00:06:37,632
but I say let's take
this beeyotch ocean to ocean.

163
00:06:37,760 --> 00:06:39,433
That'd be cool.
Awesome.

164
00:06:39,520 --> 00:06:41,079
- We're doing it.
- [ Girls Laugh ]

165
00:06:41,160 --> 00:06:42,913
- Phil, the road!
- [ Yells ]

166
00:06:43,040 --> 00:06:44,520
[ Tires Screeching ] [ Yelps ]

167
00:06:46,320 --> 00:06:50,599
I don't know what button I just
pressed, but that was amazing.

168
00:06:55,320 --> 00:06:56,959
My backpack's definitely
not in there.

169
00:06:57,040 --> 00:06:58,554
Well, they're not picking up
their phone.

170
00:06:58,640 --> 00:07:00,313
He must've brought it inside.

171
00:07:00,440 --> 00:07:02,591
Sorry, kid. Looks like
you're out of luck.

172
00:07:02,680 --> 00:07:05,673
- Come.
- Don't they have a burglar alarm?

173
00:07:05,760 --> 00:07:07,035
Ay, please.

174
00:07:08,160 --> 00:07:10,117
Okay, everybody,
split up and search.

175
00:07:10,280 --> 00:07:12,351
Jay, you look in the bedroom. I'm
not looking in their bedroom.

176
00:07:12,440 --> 00:07:15,751
Fine. Mom, I don't think
my backpack is in Cam's bag.

177
00:07:15,840 --> 00:07:18,753
I was just closing it for him.
I heard a noise.

178
00:07:18,840 --> 00:07:20,797
Looks like the guys
threw a little party.

179
00:07:20,880 --> 00:07:23,520
I noticed. They brought
out the guest soaps.

180
00:07:23,600 --> 00:07:25,478
How long have you been in here?

181
00:07:25,560 --> 00:07:28,758
Hey. This is that bottle
of wine I bought Phil...

182
00:07:28,840 --> 00:07:30,274
when he started his company.

183
00:07:30,360 --> 00:07:33,353
And Claire's lipstick is on
many of these wine glasses.

184
00:07:33,440 --> 00:07:34,954
Pictionary.
They had game night?

185
00:07:35,040 --> 00:07:37,475
But we always go to game night.

186
00:07:37,600 --> 00:07:40,513
Son of a bitch.
They snubbed us.

187
00:07:40,600 --> 00:07:41,795
Found it!

188
00:07:41,880 --> 00:07:44,475
There must've been
a dozen players.

189
00:07:44,560 --> 00:07:46,040
Pepper was here.

190
00:07:47,120 --> 00:07:49,077
But Pepper loves me.

191
00:07:49,160 --> 00:07:50,640
Okay, she's all set.

192
00:07:50,720 --> 00:07:52,757
I defy you to find a tighter bun
in this gymnasium. [ Chuckles ]

193
00:07:52,840 --> 00:07:54,991
Lot of different ways
you could've said that.

194
00:07:55,120 --> 00:07:57,920
Oh, and good luck on your floor routine, sweetie.
Not that you need it.

195
00:07:59,640 --> 00:08:01,597
That's Abby.
She's the best in class.

196
00:08:01,720 --> 00:08:03,234
Oh.
She's our competition.

197
00:08:03,320 --> 00:08:04,921
I've never wanted
to beat a kid so badly.

198
00:08:05,040 --> 00:08:07,475
Are you not hearing these? No.
Okay. [ Clears Throat ]

199
00:08:07,560 --> 00:08:09,279
Oh, Lily's on the beam.

200
00:08:09,360 --> 00:08:12,000
I'm nervous about her dismount. You said
that she could stick the landing, right?

201
00:08:12,080 --> 00:08:15,630
Yeah, as long as she breathes, relies
on her training and stays in the zone.

202
00:08:15,720 --> 00:08:17,677
We are talking about her
stepping off a six-inch beam.

203
00:08:17,760 --> 00:08:20,320
And not falling. Right.

204
00:08:20,400 --> 00:08:24,314
I have to admit seeing Lily do so
well brought out something in me.

205
00:08:24,440 --> 00:08:26,159
The pride of being a parent
of a child...

206
00:08:26,240 --> 00:08:29,199
who wasn't just participating
but thriving.

207
00:08:29,320 --> 00:08:30,674
[ Grabs Bleacher ]

208
00:08:30,760 --> 00:08:35,551
- Okay, here comes her dismount.
- Stick it, Lily. Stick it!

209
00:08:37,600 --> 00:08:39,239
[ Applause ] [ Mitchell
] She stuck it!

210
00:08:39,320 --> 00:08:40,959
Mmm!
She stuck it.

211
00:08:41,080 --> 00:08:42,309
Whoo!

212
00:08:42,400 --> 00:08:43,800
9.4.

213
00:08:43,880 --> 00:08:45,792
If no one beat
my daughter's score on the beam,

214
00:08:45,920 --> 00:08:48,116
she would make pre-team.

215
00:08:48,200 --> 00:08:50,317
She'd be one of the elites.

216
00:08:50,400 --> 00:08:53,040
[ Sighs ] Funny thing, pride.

217
00:08:53,120 --> 00:08:55,874
They say it goeth
before the-

218
00:08:55,960 --> 00:08:57,952
[ Softly ]
Fall. Fall. Fall.

219
00:08:58,040 --> 00:09:00,635
Mitchell, I can hear you rooting
for a little girl to fall.

220
00:09:00,720 --> 00:09:02,791
If I can hear you,
other people can hear you.

221
00:09:02,880 --> 00:09:04,360
- [ People Gasping ]
- Yes!

222
00:09:04,480 --> 00:09:06,233
I don't know why I said that.
I'm sorry.

223
00:09:06,320 --> 00:09:07,800
Yeah. He didn't mean it.

224
00:09:07,920 --> 00:09:09,991
I didn't mean it. No, um,
he just got caught up.

225
00:09:10,080 --> 00:09:14,313
And, uh, you know-We all know competition
makes people do crazy things, so-

226
00:09:14,400 --> 00:09:16,869
Look at this! Her bun fell apart
during the floor exercise.

227
00:09:16,960 --> 00:09:19,236
Her hair got in her eyes, and
she couldn't even finish.

228
00:09:19,320 --> 00:09:21,118
You did it on purpose!

229
00:09:21,240 --> 00:09:22,310
No!
Daddies!

230
00:09:22,400 --> 00:09:23,993
I'm in first place.

231
00:09:24,120 --> 00:09:26,680
Yay.
That's great.

232
00:09:30,000 --> 00:09:32,959
- Did you offend them?
- Me? They love me.

233
00:09:33,040 --> 00:09:36,112
Can we go now?
I have a poetry reading tonight.

234
00:09:36,200 --> 00:09:38,669
And speaking of that, are you
sure you guys really want-

235
00:09:38,760 --> 00:09:42,356
It makes no sense. We're always
the life of every party.

236
00:09:42,440 --> 00:09:45,035
Maybe they didn't invite you
because you're a couple of snoops?

237
00:09:45,120 --> 00:09:47,316
Okay, Mr. Goody Two-shoes.

238
00:09:47,440 --> 00:09:49,159
A trait normal parents
would value.

239
00:09:51,520 --> 00:09:53,193
Jay, I think you're
right about him.

240
00:09:53,320 --> 00:09:55,835
He's been too good lately
for a teenager.

241
00:09:55,920 --> 00:09:57,434
It's not normal.

242
00:09:57,520 --> 00:09:59,159
I am afraid that the world
is going to-

243
00:09:59,280 --> 00:10:01,431
Oh, hell, no. This is too far.
Ay.

244
00:10:01,520 --> 00:10:03,000
Look at this.

245
00:10:04,240 --> 00:10:06,880
Is that supposed to be-
That's us.

246
00:10:07,000 --> 00:10:08,514
Not only do we get blown off,

247
00:10:08,600 --> 00:10:10,273
now they're making fun of us.

248
00:10:10,360 --> 00:10:13,319
Well, I'm just gonna leave them
a little message.

249
00:10:15,040 --> 00:10:19,671
As far as I'm concerned,
they can all-

250
00:10:19,760 --> 00:10:21,114
Ha!

251
00:10:22,880 --> 00:10:24,792
Horse mouth!
That's a good one!

252
00:10:24,880 --> 00:10:26,712
Horse mouth
is not an expression.

253
00:10:26,800 --> 00:10:30,077
You can't get this?
Look. Donkey.

254
00:10:30,200 --> 00:10:32,431
That's not a donkey.
Look at the ears.

255
00:10:32,520 --> 00:10:34,318
Okay. Donkey mouth.

256
00:10:34,400 --> 00:10:35,959
That's a terrible guess.

257
00:10:36,040 --> 00:10:37,599
That's a terrible drawing!

258
00:10:37,720 --> 00:10:40,076
Hello? We weren't invited
because you stink at this game.

259
00:10:40,200 --> 00:10:41,634
At least I can draw.

260
00:10:41,720 --> 00:10:43,234
Excuse me.
Just need a signature.

261
00:10:43,320 --> 00:10:44,959
Yeah, sure.

262
00:10:47,880 --> 00:10:50,031
Okay.

263
00:10:50,120 --> 00:10:51,634
Here we go.

264
00:10:51,760 --> 00:10:53,672
There. Thank you.
Yep.

265
00:10:55,080 --> 00:10:56,958
That's not a signature.
You drew a cat.

266
00:10:57,040 --> 00:10:58,520
Thank you.

267
00:10:59,840 --> 00:11:02,753
♪ ♪ [ Grieg: "Morning Mood"]

268
00:11:05,480 --> 00:11:06,675
[ Sighs ]

269
00:11:06,760 --> 00:11:09,070
[ Claire ]
Perfect freaking harmony.

270
00:11:09,160 --> 00:11:10,674
That's when it hit me.

271
00:11:10,760 --> 00:11:13,434
Maybe it's not the cold confines
of a moving vehicle...

272
00:11:13,520 --> 00:11:15,193
that brings out
the worst in my kids.

273
00:11:15,320 --> 00:11:18,392
Maybe I bring out
the worst in them...

274
00:11:18,480 --> 00:11:22,269
when there's no fun-lovin' Phil around
to neutralize my toxins.

275
00:11:22,360 --> 00:11:24,238
I was in a full shame spiral.

276
00:11:24,320 --> 00:11:25,800
[ Buzzing ]
Oh! A bee!

277
00:11:25,880 --> 00:11:28,554
And then something
wonderful happened.

278
00:11:28,640 --> 00:11:30,757
I got it!
Ow! You idiot!

279
00:11:30,840 --> 00:11:32,832
Kill it!
No, don't!

280
00:11:32,960 --> 00:11:35,429
Haven't you heard of colony collapse?
Bees are endangered.

281
00:11:35,520 --> 00:11:38,274
Okay, guys, stand still. It can't
see you if you're not moving.

282
00:11:38,400 --> 00:11:40,198
It's coming near me! ♪♪ [ "In
The Hall Of The Mountain King"]

283
00:11:40,280 --> 00:11:43,193
[ Screams ] Do I look like a bee?
No! It was an accident!

284
00:11:43,280 --> 00:11:44,794
Well, so is this!

285
00:11:44,880 --> 00:11:46,997
[ Girls Screaming ]

286
00:11:47,080 --> 00:11:50,835
Everyone remain calm. I'll just open
up the double-tilt Swiss skylight,

287
00:11:50,960 --> 00:11:53,634
and the airflow will pull the bee out of-Aaah!
There's another bee now!

288
00:11:53,760 --> 00:11:56,878
We must be near its cave! Oh, my God!
There's so much stupid in here!

289
00:11:56,960 --> 00:11:58,480
All right, I'm pulling
this thing over.

290
00:11:58,560 --> 00:12:00,040
[ Lever Clicks ]
Those are the wipers.

291
00:12:00,120 --> 00:12:01,600
Claire, say something.

292
00:12:01,720 --> 00:12:04,394
[ Screaming, Grunting ] [
Monotone ] Kids, stop, please.

293
00:12:04,480 --> 00:12:07,393
Hey, there are daily flights
to Yellowstone.

294
00:12:07,480 --> 00:12:09,119
[ Screams ] [ Fabric Tears ]

295
00:12:09,240 --> 00:12:12,074
You ripped my sweater! My sweater,
which you shouldn't even be wearing.

296
00:12:12,200 --> 00:12:15,159
Get off of my sweater!
Short layover in Salt Lake.

297
00:12:15,240 --> 00:12:16,959
Are you really not
gonna do anything?

298
00:12:17,040 --> 00:12:19,555
Oh, Phil, you must have known
this was gonna happen.

299
00:12:19,640 --> 00:12:21,518
I know that tone.
You're making a point.

300
00:12:21,600 --> 00:12:23,910
It's better that you find out
who they are now...

301
00:12:24,000 --> 00:12:25,720
than when you're halfway
across the country.

302
00:12:25,760 --> 00:12:27,399
[ Tires Squeal ] [ Screaming ]

303
00:12:27,480 --> 00:12:29,790
I guess I'm just a naive boob
who thought we liked each other.

304
00:12:29,920 --> 00:12:31,877
Obviously, it was too much to
ask-[ Buzzing Continues ]

305
00:12:31,960 --> 00:12:34,236
To think that we could
take one magnificent trip...

306
00:12:34,320 --> 00:12:36,596
in a tricked-out,
state-of-the-art R.V...

307
00:12:36,680 --> 00:12:38,717
to see the sun
dancing off the Pacific.

308
00:12:38,840 --> 00:12:41,514
What a huge ask!
[ Buzzing Stops ]

309
00:12:45,200 --> 00:12:47,669
[ Door Slams ] [ Phil ] Ow!

310
00:12:52,800 --> 00:12:54,871
I can't stand the way
everyone's staring at us.

311
00:12:55,000 --> 00:12:58,277
Yeah, I know. It's the way we look at
people who walk with their pet birds.

312
00:12:58,360 --> 00:12:59,874
There she is!

313
00:12:59,960 --> 00:13:02,040
Hey, good luck on your
balance beam routine, sweetie.

314
00:13:02,080 --> 00:13:04,037
- You're gonna do great.
- I'll never beat Lily.

315
00:13:04,120 --> 00:13:06,840
Of course you will,
because you're a superstar.

316
00:13:06,920 --> 00:13:08,513
And your daughter's a genius.
I am such a fan.

317
00:13:08,680 --> 00:13:10,637
Now you're overcompensating.
I have to.

318
00:13:10,720 --> 00:13:12,359
You saw what a monster
I was out there.

319
00:13:12,440 --> 00:13:15,592
This-This is the exact thing
I always hated in my dad-

320
00:13:15,680 --> 00:13:19,356
that ugly, macho,
testosterone drive to win.

321
00:13:19,440 --> 00:13:20,999
And today
it has flowered in me.

322
00:13:21,120 --> 00:13:23,555
Well-
No. This ends today, Cam.

323
00:13:23,640 --> 00:13:25,393
I am not passing this on
to Lily.

324
00:13:25,480 --> 00:13:27,437
It's not all on you. You know,
I'm beginning to think...

325
00:13:27,520 --> 00:13:29,671
maybe I did sabotage
Abby's hair.

326
00:13:29,760 --> 00:13:32,116
I didn't spray.
I didn't Beyoncé.

327
00:13:32,200 --> 00:13:34,032
I basically built
a ticking time bun.

328
00:13:34,120 --> 00:13:35,839
Well-

329
00:13:35,960 --> 00:13:38,191
♪ ♪ [ Classical]

330
00:13:39,520 --> 00:13:42,160
[ Audience Gasps ]
Are you okay?

331
00:13:42,240 --> 00:13:43,435
No.

332
00:13:44,600 --> 00:13:45,511
Oh!

333
00:13:45,640 --> 00:13:48,633
My hair hurts.
I'll fix it.

334
00:13:48,720 --> 00:13:50,313
Aww!

335
00:13:51,480 --> 00:13:52,994
[ Mitchell ]
We should find Lily.

336
00:13:53,080 --> 00:13:56,391
Did you see what
your daughter just did?

337
00:13:56,520 --> 00:13:59,479
Uh, Lily, did you pull the
pins out of Julie's hair?

338
00:13:59,560 --> 00:14:00,835
Yeah. She fell.

339
00:14:00,960 --> 00:14:02,792
Oh.
Okay, um-

340
00:14:02,880 --> 00:14:04,872
I- Could I get everyone's attention
for just a moment?

341
00:14:04,960 --> 00:14:06,713
We consider
what our daughter just did...

342
00:14:06,800 --> 00:14:09,474
to be an embarrassment
to the sport of gymnastics.

343
00:14:09,560 --> 00:14:11,552
[ Cameron ] I assure you, she
did not learn this from us.

344
00:14:11,640 --> 00:14:13,921
And as far as we are concerned,
that is a sign of weakness.

345
00:14:13,960 --> 00:14:16,316
Not the way a winner
behaves, but the way-

346
00:14:16,440 --> 00:14:18,511
A loser behaves.
...a loser behaves.

347
00:14:18,600 --> 00:14:20,512
Come on, Lily. Let's get
your grips and tiger paws.

348
00:14:20,600 --> 00:14:24,276
You're going to a time-out.
Yeah. A nice long one.

349
00:14:24,360 --> 00:14:27,717
I made pre-team, and my daddies
get to watch from outside.

350
00:14:27,840 --> 00:14:30,041
[ Softly ] No closer than 100 feet.
But we're appealing.

351
00:14:30,160 --> 00:14:33,278
Yay! Yay, Lily! [ Laughs ]

352
00:14:34,680 --> 00:14:37,400
Kill the chicken!
Chicken fingers!

353
00:14:37,560 --> 00:14:40,314
Pigeon man!
Pigeon man. Pigeon man.

354
00:14:40,440 --> 00:14:41,840
You see, Tony, it's not me.

355
00:14:41,960 --> 00:14:44,077
Would you invite her to game night?
I'm gonna go now.

356
00:14:44,160 --> 00:14:46,959
They're kinda sticklers
about the next-day delivery thing.

357
00:14:47,960 --> 00:14:50,077
Bird in the hand!
There you go.

358
00:14:50,200 --> 00:14:52,271
Any slower, she'd be the U.S.
mail. Am I right?

359
00:14:52,360 --> 00:14:54,079
That's gonna kill
at the warehouse.

360
00:14:54,160 --> 00:14:56,470
You see?
You are the problem.

361
00:14:56,560 --> 00:14:58,791
Except you cheated. I saw
you look at the paper.

362
00:14:58,880 --> 00:15:01,600
- I knew it.
- You're no better.

363
00:15:01,680 --> 00:15:03,353
All the screaming and bullying.

364
00:15:03,440 --> 00:15:05,636
The question isn't
why you two weren't invited.

365
00:15:05,720 --> 00:15:07,552
It's why you're ever invited.

366
00:15:07,640 --> 00:15:10,917
And by the way, this
isn't even about you.

367
00:15:11,000 --> 00:15:12,719
Treasure chest.

368
00:15:12,800 --> 00:15:14,917
Now can we clean
this place up and go?

369
00:15:15,000 --> 00:15:16,559
[ Sighs ]

370
00:15:18,760 --> 00:15:20,035
Funny story.

371
00:15:20,120 --> 00:15:21,918
My mom and Jay were invited.

372
00:15:22,000 --> 00:15:25,232
Cam gave me the invitation at
school, and I forgot about it.

373
00:15:25,360 --> 00:15:27,480
But how could I tell them
right after I'd shamed them?

374
00:15:27,520 --> 00:15:29,239
I had to cover my tracks.

375
00:15:29,320 --> 00:15:31,676
It's true, Jay.
I cheated.

376
00:15:31,760 --> 00:15:35,231
I cheat a little bit every time
that we come to the game night.

377
00:15:35,320 --> 00:15:37,073
I think Mitch saw me
the last time,

378
00:15:37,160 --> 00:15:38,879
and that's why they don't
want to play with us anymore.

379
00:15:39,040 --> 00:15:41,680
But why would you do that?
I don't know.

380
00:15:41,760 --> 00:15:45,276
Maybe because I don't want you
to think that I am not smart.

381
00:15:45,360 --> 00:15:46,840
I would never think that.

382
00:15:46,920 --> 00:15:48,798
Besides, it's my fault anyway.

383
00:15:48,880 --> 00:15:51,190
The kid is right.
I'm too competitive.

384
00:15:51,280 --> 00:15:53,795
Lost a game of Yahtzee once.
The dice are still in the wall.

385
00:15:53,880 --> 00:15:55,633
Yeah, but at least
you're not a cheater.

386
00:15:55,720 --> 00:15:58,110
I feel like
such a donkey mouth.

387
00:15:58,200 --> 00:16:01,318
Guys, there's something
you should know.

388
00:16:01,400 --> 00:16:04,120
It's Trivial Pursuit night
at Mom's church.

389
00:16:04,200 --> 00:16:06,192
I hate for you to miss
my poetry reading,

390
00:16:06,280 --> 00:16:07,794
but maybe you could
head down there,

391
00:16:07,880 --> 00:16:09,360
work on your sportsmanship,

392
00:16:09,440 --> 00:16:11,557
and you will feel
better about yourselves.

393
00:16:11,640 --> 00:16:13,871
Are you sure you're going
to be okay without me there?

394
00:16:13,960 --> 00:16:17,158
Yes, Smother. Mother.
I'll be in the car.

395
00:16:17,280 --> 00:16:20,512
[ Door Opens, Closes ] I get this damn
competitive streak from my old man.

396
00:16:20,600 --> 00:16:22,520
It's a miracle I didn't
pass it down to Mitchell.

397
00:16:22,560 --> 00:16:24,472
I love that we can blame
our parents.

398
00:16:24,560 --> 00:16:27,553
My mother was the biggest
cheater I've ever known,

399
00:16:27,640 --> 00:16:30,235
and she used to snoop
on everything that we did.

400
00:16:30,320 --> 00:16:33,313
Ay. Jay, look at this.

401
00:16:33,400 --> 00:16:35,039
Our invitation.

402
00:16:35,120 --> 00:16:36,952
They must have forgot
to give it to us.

403
00:16:37,040 --> 00:16:40,078
No. I checked this bag when we
got here, and it wasn't there.

404
00:16:40,160 --> 00:16:43,119
- Why do you always-
- Because you know I have a problem.

405
00:16:43,200 --> 00:16:46,079
This was Manny. He
forgot to give it to us,

406
00:16:46,160 --> 00:16:49,073
and then he came
and tried to sneak it in there.

407
00:16:49,160 --> 00:16:51,629
Why wouldn't he just tell us?

408
00:16:51,720 --> 00:16:54,235
Maybe because he doesn't want
us to go to the reading.

409
00:16:54,320 --> 00:16:58,360
That's why he was talking about
the church and the game.

410
00:16:58,440 --> 00:16:59,874
He was working us.

411
00:16:59,960 --> 00:17:01,720
Guess he's not too much
of a Goody Two-shoes.

412
00:17:01,800 --> 00:17:07,000
No. He's a lying,
scheming little sneak.

413
00:17:07,080 --> 00:17:08,514
That's my son.

414
00:17:08,600 --> 00:17:09,636
Our son.

415
00:17:09,720 --> 00:17:11,120
[ Chuckles ]

416
00:17:11,200 --> 00:17:13,317
I've never seen Dad
freak out like that before.

417
00:17:13,400 --> 00:17:14,880
I feel terrible.

418
00:17:14,960 --> 00:17:16,440
Oh, it's partly my fault.

419
00:17:16,520 --> 00:17:19,035
I goaded you guys into a
fight to prove a point.

420
00:17:19,120 --> 00:17:20,873
Why do I always have to win?

421
00:17:20,960 --> 00:17:22,952
How did I get this way?

422
00:17:23,080 --> 00:17:25,037
[ Footsteps Approaching ]
[ Seagulls Squawking ]

423
00:17:25,120 --> 00:17:26,679
That you?

424
00:17:26,800 --> 00:17:28,234
Yeah.
[ Exhales ]

425
00:17:28,400 --> 00:17:29,993
You?
Yep.

426
00:17:30,120 --> 00:17:33,033
How many kids in yours?
Felt like 30.

427
00:17:33,120 --> 00:17:34,713
I got four.

428
00:17:34,800 --> 00:17:37,395
But I'm thinking of emancipating
two of them early.

429
00:17:37,480 --> 00:17:39,711
Tell me one of you
has cigarettes or a flask.

430
00:17:39,800 --> 00:17:40,995
Sorry, buddy.

431
00:17:41,160 --> 00:17:43,356
[ Clicks Tongue ] I've
been through every state-

432
00:17:43,440 --> 00:17:46,558
depressed, catatonic, Arkansas.

433
00:17:46,640 --> 00:17:50,236
I considered faking my own death
in Bryce Canyon National Park.

434
00:17:50,320 --> 00:17:52,551
Have you been?
Not to be missed.

435
00:17:52,640 --> 00:17:55,030
I'm gonna miss it. I'm
missing every bit of it.

436
00:17:55,120 --> 00:17:58,079
Not spending another second
in that rolling asylum.

437
00:17:58,160 --> 00:18:02,074
Poor guy. How long you been on the road?
Couple weeks?

438
00:18:02,160 --> 00:18:03,992
Couple days?

439
00:18:06,800 --> 00:18:09,872
[ Sighs ] Dad's in the middle
of a super-sad dude hug.

440
00:18:09,960 --> 00:18:12,520
We really disappointed him.

441
00:18:12,600 --> 00:18:15,911
Yeah, maybe we should just suck it
up and go to Jellystone this summer.

442
00:18:16,000 --> 00:18:18,435
Wait. That's why Dad
got this thing?

443
00:18:18,520 --> 00:18:20,751
I-I can't go on a trip
this summer.

444
00:18:20,840 --> 00:18:23,230
- Why?
- I've... [ Sighs ]

445
00:18:23,320 --> 00:18:27,200
I've got stuff.
Huh? No. What stuff?

446
00:18:27,320 --> 00:18:29,277
I don't want to talk about it.
Luke.

447
00:18:29,360 --> 00:18:32,194
Summer school.
I'm failing pre-algebra.

448
00:18:32,320 --> 00:18:35,950
Why didn't you say something? I don't know.
I feel stupid.

449
00:18:36,040 --> 00:18:37,520
You know what it's like
to follow her?

450
00:18:37,560 --> 00:18:39,392
All the teachers look at me...

451
00:18:39,480 --> 00:18:42,154
and think that I'm some kind
of irrational remainder.

452
00:18:42,240 --> 00:18:44,436
- Did I use that right?
- No.

453
00:18:44,560 --> 00:18:46,040
Dang it.

454
00:18:46,120 --> 00:18:48,240
[ Alex ] Why didn't you ask me?
I would've tutored you.

455
00:18:48,280 --> 00:18:51,398
I tried, but you were
always off in your room...

456
00:18:51,480 --> 00:18:53,278
or some corner of the house
on the phone.

457
00:18:53,400 --> 00:18:56,120
Yeah, who have you been talking
to so much lately? Aaron?

458
00:18:56,280 --> 00:18:58,397
Who's Aaron? Actually, it's
two boys-Aaron and Alex.

459
00:18:58,520 --> 00:19:00,557
Oh, two boys. A boy
named Alex likes you?

460
00:19:00,640 --> 00:19:02,916
Yeah, I know. It's weird. But
my friend Andi with an "I"-

461
00:19:03,040 --> 00:19:05,271
she's a girl-also liked Alex.
The boy?

462
00:19:05,360 --> 00:19:07,397
Yes, the boy. I don't refer to
myself in the third person.

463
00:19:07,480 --> 00:19:09,711
I thought Aaron was
the third person. No.

464
00:19:09,800 --> 00:19:12,269
Anyway, I thought I was cool
juggling two boys at once, but-

465
00:19:12,360 --> 00:19:14,875
[ Sighs ] they both ended up
dumping me on the same day.

466
00:19:14,960 --> 00:19:16,519
[ Gasps ]
Sweetie, that's awful.

467
00:19:16,600 --> 00:19:18,512
How did I not know
this was happening?

468
00:19:18,600 --> 00:19:20,353
You've been really busy lately.

469
00:19:20,440 --> 00:19:22,272
Like with flipping that house.

470
00:19:22,360 --> 00:19:24,201
And plus I didn't really
want to talk about it,

471
00:19:24,280 --> 00:19:26,715
because it's kind of embarrassing.
Oh.

472
00:19:26,800 --> 00:19:29,952
Not as embarrassing as failing a
class that starts with "pre."

473
00:19:30,040 --> 00:19:32,111
Baby.
You guys wanna feel better?

474
00:19:32,200 --> 00:19:34,920
I auditioned to be
a Laker Girl this morning.

475
00:19:35,040 --> 00:19:36,554
[ Gasps ] What? You did? No way.

476
00:19:36,640 --> 00:19:39,553
I took all those dance classes when
I was younger, and I don't know.

477
00:19:39,640 --> 00:19:42,360
I've been trying to figure out
what I want to do with my life.

478
00:19:42,440 --> 00:19:44,875
So I saw online that
there were open tryouts,

479
00:19:44,960 --> 00:19:46,474
so I went down there.
And?

480
00:19:46,560 --> 00:19:48,791
I'm the new
head Laker Girl, Mom.

481
00:19:48,880 --> 00:19:51,600
It was a disaster.
I was the worst one there.

482
00:19:51,680 --> 00:19:53,558
I couldn't even
get through my routine.

483
00:19:53,640 --> 00:19:55,472
Oh.
You have a routine?

484
00:19:56,720 --> 00:19:58,916
Pat, Heath,
you guys have given me...

485
00:19:59,000 --> 00:20:00,480
the courage to go back
in there,

486
00:20:00,560 --> 00:20:03,234
stand up to my wife and tell
her she was right all along.

487
00:20:03,320 --> 00:20:05,232
Happy trails, Phil.

488
00:20:05,320 --> 00:20:06,515
Heath?

489
00:20:06,640 --> 00:20:08,950
I might just stay here a while.

490
00:20:11,080 --> 00:20:12,681
Phil? Phil, I have to
show you something.

491
00:20:12,720 --> 00:20:15,679
Don't gloat. I get it. I keep trying
to push this family closer together,

492
00:20:15,800 --> 00:20:18,240
but they need their space. No, no, no.
We have too much space.

493
00:20:18,320 --> 00:20:21,358
Being trapped in one room has forced
us to actually talk to one another,

494
00:20:21,440 --> 00:20:23,760
and I have found out some
incredible things about our kids.

495
00:20:23,800 --> 00:20:25,917
Wait. Incredible good?

496
00:20:26,000 --> 00:20:27,832
You tell me.

497
00:20:27,920 --> 00:20:29,798
♪ ♪ [ Speakers: Dance ]

498
00:20:29,880 --> 00:20:31,633
Oh, my God.

499
00:20:31,720 --> 00:20:34,679
- Dream come true. I don't even need context.
- Yeah!

500
00:20:34,760 --> 00:20:36,433
[ High-pitched Voice ]
What is this?

501
00:20:36,560 --> 00:20:39,473
So our trip's back on? [ Claire
] We're in if Jolene's in.

502
00:20:39,600 --> 00:20:42,399
Come on. Do it!
Yeah!

503
00:20:42,480 --> 00:20:43,994
[ Laughs ]

504
00:20:47,160 --> 00:20:48,640
Oh! Why can't I get this?

505
00:20:48,720 --> 00:20:50,951
You just gotta focus.
Clear your mind.

506
00:20:51,040 --> 00:20:52,793
Loosen up. Get in the zone.
You know this.

507
00:20:52,880 --> 00:20:55,161
Okay, we're gonna walk through
this together, step-by-step.

508
00:20:55,200 --> 00:20:57,510
Five, six, seven, eight.

509
00:20:57,600 --> 00:21:00,320
One, two, three, four,

510
00:21:00,400 --> 00:21:03,120
five and six, seven and eight.
56.1 plus or minus 8.25.

511
00:21:03,280 --> 00:21:05,033
That's the first one.
One, two, three, four, five, six-

512
00:21:05,120 --> 00:21:06,918
Number two. "X" plus two over
four equals three plus three-

513
00:21:07,000 --> 00:21:10,232
Two, five minus-
Damn it, Alex, do you mind?

514
00:21:10,320 --> 00:21:13,040
We're doing something
important here.

515
00:21:13,120 --> 00:21:16,318
Okay, once more from the tippy,
like nobody's watching.

516
00:21:16,400 --> 00:21:18,198
The quantity of "X" plus two,
uh, plus six.

517
00:21:18,280 --> 00:21:20,476
Five, six, seven, eight.
One, two-